Feeling Into It
If I learned one thing from our recent “Orange Juice on Cereal” workshop about misfitting personal and professional lives, it is this maxim from the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy framework.
When something in life isn’t working, you will get much further by taking steps to move toward what you do want rather than attempting to avoid what you do not.
This dictum seems obvious enough. But we humans are pain-avoiding people, and will do reckless, reckless things for a microdose of pleasure, no matter how short term.
We don’t like to sit with discomfort – surely not long enough to understand its message.
I have historically struggled with avoidant tendencies when contemplating big transitions – leaving a job or relationship, say. Although I’ve long been consumed by the question of my place (and work) in the world, the numbing effects of Trader Joe’s Banana Nut Cluster cereal are truly unreal.
Fortunately, in my own life, the pandemic served as a forcing function to make the dreaded “triple jump” of changing my job, industry, and location.
It brought me to quarantine at my parents’ house without much to do. Enter, long walks in the woods and easygoing tennis matches.
It was on the courts at Washington’s Landing that I got my first download from the universe: “I’m moving back to Pittsburgh.”
There it was – that “knowing” that people talk about. The breeze was blowing and I had assurance in my heart. It was warm, pleasant, settled. I felt complete peace. As a lifelong neurotic, it was a new sensation – this self-assured serenity thing.
Although the “knowing” didn’t solve what I would do with my life, it did answer my where. To get more clarity on the former, I started opening tabs and researching my vague interest in sustainability, psychology, and entrepreneurship. Google searches for “circular economy Pittsburgh organizations” led to economic development agencies, which led to social enterprise accelerators and graduate programs in business and design.
And because it’s Pittsburgh, people actually responded to my requests for Zoom chats. This was a refreshing departure from my days in NYC, where strangers were not so keen to acknowledge one’s existence.
Somewhat intuitively, I started crafting little experiments to move toward an aligned life – enrolling in writing courses and a life coaching certification. Through a high school acquaintance, I met a friend who was connected to The Salon, which provided excellent entrée to a slate of interesting women.
Through this two-year information gathering exercise, I gradually gained clarity on my theory of change – that to heal the world, you must first heal the self.
And lo, on a meandering run one Wednesday, I got another download. To no one in particular, I said out loud: “I will go to Seminary!”
Although I am not religious, it made sense – a place for those professionally concerned with questions of love and purpose. Within walking distance! Problem solved.
Upon returning home, I toweled off and called admissions to schedule a tour. Four weeks later, I received an acceptance letter and full scholarship. And next Friday, I will graduate, exactly 3 years after my mid-run revelation.
I like to contrast these experiences with previous job searches, when panic and constriction were driving the bus. I tended to take any role offered to me – assistant on a trading floor, why not! – because I could neither tolerate uncertainty nor recognize that panic attacks might mean “this is not a good fit.”
I realize there is considerable privilege baked into this narrative – to have space, time, and resources for holistic discernment. Considering the political climate, widespread layoffs, and encroachment of AI, it is wise to hold gratitude for any employment.
Though if I may be so bold, there might yet be some relevant takeaways here.
Discernment cannot be done in one fell swoop. It takes time (months? years?) to gather information, have experiences, mine the gems, and course correct. Start exploring now – even if just 5 minutes of Google searching each day.
Discernment requires stillness. Tuning into a higher frequency is impossible when Top 40 is blaring its conditioning influences. Start by snagging small pockets of quiet. No need to flee to a monastery, waiting in line without your phone is a strong enough start.
Recognize that you probably won’t download all of the answers at once, just the next step. As a favorite proverb tells it, we “cross the river by feeling for the stones.”
“Knowing” is not an intellectual exercise. From what I’ve gleaned in spiritual director school, discernment doesn’t involve spreadsheets. While they might be useful, they are not sufficient. The “click” we seek is a felt sense of the body coming into alignment with the divine order of the universe, not a tidy comparison of column A vs. B.
Although it is uncomfortable to move toward the meaningful rather than avoiding distress, I can attest that clarity of purpose ultimately feels better than the 4th bowl of cereal. As wiser folks than I are prone to say, everything you want is on the other side of your fear.